Eating

Well, I have something that I want to tell you all that I think you should know. I have an eating disorder. Yes, I know, boo hoo, but I just don't want to have to hide it anymore. I've had it for a while now, but I never wanted to truly admit it. And now it's getting worse. I think that's it's a form of binge and purge, or something like that. No no no, I dont force myself to throw up after I eat, it's just that I'll eat a ton, and then just...not eat for a few days.It used to only be for a meal, 2 at most, but now it's whole days. I mean, some of you may know this already, but before today, when I had a fourth of a sandwich, some carrots, and 3 mushroom nuggets (which were awesome, by the way), I haven't had anything to eat for 2 and a half days. The last time that I ate was on sunday, after church, when we went to Maharaja. I stuffed myself there. Right now, my stomach is killing me. And yet I can't eat. The thought of food makes me sick and my stomach hurt even more. I mean, especially what we have. It's all fast food or tv dinners and stuff like that. I mean, that's just not healthy. I keep thinking, it's only a couple of meals, no big deal. And then it's just a couple more. I am more conscience of what I eat, how much I eat, and how often, a hell of a lot more than I ever used to. And it scares me. I mean, when I do eat, it's either one thing, or a whole crapload of stuff. Then I feel bad. I keep thinking, well, maybe if I drop a couple of pounds, people will like me more, they'll think I'm pretty, or hot, or whatever. At least not ugly. Maybe then I'll be happy with myself. I mean, I am happy, in a way, but... I wish I were still on track, at least then I could run and burn off what I eat, so I might not feel as bad. But I'm not in shape enough for that. And, I also eat when I'm sad, or angry at myself. Both of which I have been lately. I dunno. I'm mad at myself for the Maeghan thing (it should explain itself),for liking other people, a lot of stuff. And I'm depressed about the fact that I like people that I have no chance with, that all my relationships, wow, a whole 2 of them, can't even go right. So, I've got a lot on my mind, and this eating thing is just getting out of control. I mean, I hate it. I dunno, I gained 8 pounds, but I've dropped 2 since then. And that's because I didn't eat. I know it's a bad thing, but, it worked. And it shouldn't. Because then I just keep doing it. And I feel even worse about it. The baggy clothes help. I mean, it's what I'm comfy in, but it's also to make me feel less like I'm making a fool of myself trying to fit into clothes that I know I can't, or that won't look right on me. I'm so shy about my body, but it's because I'm so damn insecure.Maybe if I lose weight, I might be able to actually feel alright about doing stuff. And that's the kind of attitude that has gotten me where I am. But I can't seem to change that. i can always something to be unhappy about. And I can't control it. I feel a kind of sadistic happiness in knowing that I am doing this for a good reason, when I know that in reality, it's not good.I just thought that you all should know this. And it hasn't stopped. I don't know what to do, maybe that's why I'm telling you. But all I know is that there is dinner sitting right in front of me, and I can't touch it, let alone eat all of it. Love to you all. Please, don't judge me for this.