Sick

I wasn't in school today because I was sick, both physically and emotionally. It was just one of those days. I still have the headache that is now a migraine that I've had for the past 3 days. It's getting fucking annoying! I just want it to go away, but will it? No! LoL, look at me, I'm yelling at a friggin headache! And I call other people crazy...Anyway.And now for the emotional part. A lot has been bothering me lately that most people haven't known about. For the most part, it's been about my dad. As most people know, last Sunday was Mother's Day. So what the fuck was I doing thinking about my dad?! I mean, the day was supposed to be about my mum, not him. I did the best I could, I acted happy, gave my mum lots of hugs, told her I loved her and was just nice for the day and hung out with her. But my dad was still there, in the back of my mind. He is my dad, I guess he's always been there, and probably always will be. But I dunno why I kept thinking about him on that specific day. Maybe it had something to do with Phil's service at church. He talked about mother figures in our life's and he also talked about people being brought up by their dads acting as mothers. Maybe that's what did it. I almost cried during that sermon because all my emotions about him just built up. How much I love him, how much I hate him, how I hate myself for hating him, how I don't want to love him anymore, yet how I can't stop, how he hurt me, how it still effects every aspect of my life, no matter how much I try to hide it or don't want to acknowledge it. It is all overwhelming. I know this is a lot to put on you all, especially since you might not understand.Then again, maybe you will. I'm sorry for doing this to you all, but I just had to get it out. I couldn't hide it and keep it inside anymore. He has done a lot to me, and I have had to deal with it my entir life. But when I was young, I was able to hide behind my innocence and pretend that I didn't know what was going on. I can't do that anymore. I know exactly what is going on, and it hurts. It really does. The pain is unbelieveable, to know that your own dad, someone who is supposed to love and protect you, did this to you. Then to know that he blames you for it, blames you for everything. Everything that happens, has happened, is all your fault. To know that he kicked you out of his, your, house because you won't give it, you won't let him win, you won't say that it didn't happen. To know that you won't ever have a relationship with your father because of this. And it's hard. It's something that I have had to live with my entire life, and will have to keep on doing so. I can't expect you all, to help me with this.That is too big a burden to ask of someone. So I'm not going to. What hurts almost the most is the fact that you want, crave a relationship with him. there is something missing in your heart that can never be replaced. How can you want a relationship with a man who did this to you? He has more power than he will ever know because he is my dad. No matter what, nothing can change that. And I get hurt everytime. My parents divorced when I was 3, and he never looked back. I didn't see him for 10 years. I saw him again when I was 13. He actaully came back into my life when I was 14 when I discovered that he was engaged. I wanted so badly to have a father again, that I willing to forget about the past, was wiling to do anything to feel his love again. He was a so-called "reborn" christian. He told me that he loved me, that he always has, that he never did anything, never wanted this to happen. And I believed him. I was so desparate, I believed him. But then I discovered who he truly was. Again. And it hurt even more this time. Because I know what it really means. I wil rememebr it for the rest of my life. This time, he has not only walked out of my life, he has pushed me out of his until I give in. It is so hard to have a dad that you think loves you, then to have him walk out. I was the idiot who was gullible enough to let him do that again. I wanted to believe that he was a changed man, I wanted to give him a second chance. And I did. But it tore me apart when he did it again. I know now that he hasn't changed, that he never will. There is a part of me that I keep locked up, out of reach. It's about my dad. Because it hurts to much to unlock it, to open that door, to walk into that room, and have to deal with it all over again. All the memories, all the times we had together, the good and the bad, what he did, anything that relates to him, I keep shut away. It's not there if I can't see it. It didn't happen if I don't remember it. But I know it's there. Some part of me, at all times, knows it's there. And that there's nothing I can do about it. I want so badly to have a normal relationship that any other father and daughter have. But he ruined that. I have tried to do that, but I just got shot down. I'm not willing to do that again. I tried, I really did, but I can't do it again. I just can't. And there's still that hole, thet hole that aches, that yearns to be filled, with something, anything. But it can't be. Because the only one who could do that is my dad. And he's not willing. Maybe that hurts the most of all.