overwhelmed and scared

I'm really depressed right now andI'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment.You know, that is the only thing that ever gets to me really, being overwhelmed and under stress.I have a lot to deal with, a lot to think about, and it's just starting to get to me.And I'm still in that FUCKING CUDDLING MOOD! Great, now i get to go to camp like that...that's really gonna suck.Grr, I have to figure this out. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I have to say something for why I am so screwed up. A little while ago, as ina month or 2, I was feeling as bad as I used to when I had to go to that metal hospital. For all those that don't know, I was in one, and it sucked. I have been in those little white padded rooms before, and they're really not fun. I have had to have my blood taken everyday to make sure that everything is fine, and that I haven't tried to OD on something. I was put in there for many reasons, most of which have to do with my dad. In fact, all of it does. I was suicidal, had tried several times to commit suicide, I had run away, and so much more.It's not a good feeling, and I don't like it. It scares me. I haven't been at that point in years, and it terrified me that I was feeling that way again.Right now I'm not, but I'm still trying to get over when I was, and I'm trying to keep myself from going there again so that nothing happens. Because I don't want that. It's a very bad place to be, and I hate it. So, just to let you all know, that's what I'm struggling with, and with being overwhelmed by everything.So, I'm gonna leave it here, because I've got to pack, but I love y'all and I'll see ya when I get back.









Maybe I shouldn't have posted this...you all don't need to read this. You don't need to know.I shouldn't put this on you, it's not fair.I think I'm going to delete it. It's so hard not to, to just keep it all inside.Maybe it's for the best that I keep it hidden.

Well, yesterday was interesting. Eryn was ina bad mood because of many things. I wanted to just hang with Maeghan, and Issy showed us her "potential" boyfriend and I go tsome henna last night. You know, this group is screwed. There is only one person here that I know of that doesn't like Issy. Well, 2. That equals bad.But what can we do? Issy's going to get her a boyfriend that isn't in the group, which is probably for the best, and everyone else is just giong to have to deal.I know that some things are going to happen, and some people are going to get hurt, but that's what happens when people get close to each other.Today I have to be over at Susan's to pack for camp, because I am leaving for it Monday. I will be at the Red River Gorge, and i will be gone for a week. I get back Friday, at around 6.I doubt that I will be able to do anything that night, but I am skipping the camp that is the very next week. It is too much for me. I can't be gone for almost 5 weeks straight. So I'm going to take a week break before I go with Issy.I hope that everyone has fun and that some things get worked out, because they really need to be. Ok, well, I guess that's it, mum is on her way to pick me up (I'm at Eryn's house) and she should be here pretty soon. Bibi.

concert

Ok, now I'm really pissed. Mum wouldn't let me go to the concert. I actually got some sleep last night, not much, about 3 hours, but I feel fine.I am just really mad that she would change plans that I made without even asking me how I feel. I mean, she told people that I was sick, for crying out loud! I'm not, I have no idea where she is getting this from. But still, I'm mad.Issy asked me to be there, and now I can't. I was going to see Maeghan and do something right after the concert, now I have to wait a couple of hours. That realyl pisses me off. I made plans, and mum had no right to change them. Maybe she did, I don't care,I just would have liked to have known that she was going to do that.Well, she is now nagging, so I've gotta go. Bibi.

It is 1:22 am and I am down here on the computer because I can't sleep and I feel the need to write.To just see my thoughts and feelings, to be able to read them. I don't really have anything inparticular to write about, I just need to write. I came down here at about midnight to fix me some chamomil tea and I found mum still up. To my surprise, she wasn't mad at me, she was more concerned with why I couldn't sleep, and she evem fixed my tea for me. I sat down here, drinking my tea, listening to some soft music, and just tried to get my thoughts together. Why was I up? My mum was asking me the same thing. Was something wrong? I told her no, because it's not. Did I just have a lot on my mind?Well, not really, I told her. I mean, I do, but not so much that it should keep me up. It never has before. So I went back up to bed. But I kept wondering the same thing myself. Is something up with me? Or is it just a phase? I think it's the latter.I don't act any different, and i feel the same as I normally do, though that in itself might be a break. I just miss people. Yeah, sure, I see them everyday, I even live with them. But I stil miss people. I miss Maeghan, and cuddling during a movie. I miss Issy, and our long nighttime talks that we used to have. I miss Eryn, and all the random things that normally happen, and the connection that we seem to have.I miss Andrew, and how sweet he is, how he seems to make people happy. I miss Franklin, and the online chats and small talk we have when we are bored. I just miss people. And I still feel the way I did a couple of blogs ago when I said that I really am just craving companionship. I think that that is all that it is, because I still am. I know that that is extremely pathetic, but it's true. Oh well, I don't wanna come accross as the girl who is dependant on people, who needs other people to survive, who needs drama, only thinks about herself.Because I know I'm not. But for me to be held or have someone to hold would be nice beyond belief. Enough of my complaining, I'm annoying myself. Well, I'm going to try and get some sleep, because Maeghan and I are hanging tomorrow! Yay!Also, Eryn is back, and i get to see Issy's concert, so, I shall be a busy little beaver tomorrow. Off to bed!

better

Yeah, I got 2 hours of sleep last night, but it felt sooo good. It was one of those really deep sleeps. So I feel a lot better now. I also had a double cheeseburger from mcdonald (the only thing that is halfway decent) and a bag of doritos for dinner. I got some sleeo, and this morning I had 2 bowls of cereal and for kunch I had a cheeseburger and chili-cheese fries from Rally's. Wasn't bad. So, now I'm full, have had some rest, and am in a good mood. BUt I sure wasn't yesterday. I had to go to my aunt's work, so I didn't get to tell Andykins bye, and when I got there i had to work. Work as in watch 50 kids 11 and under in one room. They were LOUD! And annoying, and don't listen. Any ways, I got out of there at 8 and we went home. When i got ther, she told me that I had chores to do. It was almost 10 at the time, I was like, ARE YOU NUTS?!!Evidently so, because I still had to do them. I didn't get to bed until 12:30. But hey, it's all over now, so I'm good. I get to go hang out with Maeghan tomorrow, so that should be fun.Bibi.

im fine

I mean it you guys, I'm fine. One night's sleep (or lack thereof) isn't going to kill me, I promise. Yeah, I may be tired, but who wouldn't be. I'll just have to be sure and sleep tonight, and even if I don' t that still won' t hurt me too bad. I'd be one hell of a bitch though. As for the food, I do eat. I do. But only when it's something that I like. I have to be in a certain mood for food, and I know that Eryn, if not Issy too, know what I mean when I say that.That's just the way it is. Yeah, I think that it has been too long since I last had something to eat because I'm a little weak and lightheaded, but I'll get something. I can't get out of dinner. But stop worrying, I'm ok, nothing is going to happen. Happy?Love y'all.








Yes, I said y'all, shut up...

long night

Well, that was a very long night. I swear, I got no sleep. Wait, my bad, I DID fall asleep. 10 minutes before my mums alarm went off.Now that's just cruel. I won't have the chance to go to sleep until about 10 tonight. Thats like 34 hours on 10 minutes of sleep. I'm going to die. I don't know how I passed the time. It's amazing the stupid crap that they put on late television. I mean, it's so stupid it's funny. And then theres news, I must've watched 3 hours of that. I now know all about those damn hurricanes, or "tropical storms" that are hitting the gulf. Yeah, see, I was desperate.And that last blog I posted was at 1 this morning. I sat on my bed for a couple of hours just cuddling a pillow. I mean it, that's all I did. It was sad. I wonder what I'm going to do today. Oh shit! How am I supposed to go to the Patch like this?! Oh man, now I'm screwed. I guess I'm going to go through those 4 mountain dews that are left and hope that they work. And I'm really craving some chocolate donuts!!!I have been since yesterday, and I haven't gotten the chance to sleep it off. All those who got to sleep, SHUT UP!!! Yes, I cannot wait til you lazy people get your butts outta bed so that I am no longer bored. Wake up! I have been for quite a while. And the sad thing is, mum didn't even notice anything. Like, I'm the one who will sleep forever unless you wake me up, and I was already awake when she got up. That tells you how much of a morning person she is. Just like me. Grrr. Me...want...SLEEP!Oh well,I shall be fine eventually, as soon as I turn up the music, and get some caffeine in me, which shall commence now...although I do have a vague feeling that I'm going to have a major headache later.

insomnia

I can't sleep. I just can't. I haven't had any caffeine in a while, so I know that it can't be that.I just have a lot on my mind (what's new?) and I wish that I had someone to talk to. I'm in a weird mood. It's like, happy, frustrated, horny, and depressed. Freaky,no? Oh well, I guess there are worse places to be. Most of all, right now at least, I am lonely.Not in a misunderstood kind of way, just in a missing poeple kind of way. I really just want some companionship right now, or some cuddling. Either would work. I really miss Maeghan. Or anyone that would hold me, act like they like me like that, you know, just know that I am loved. That's really what I am craving right now. I know that I'm not unloved, I just really need someone. But that can't happen. So I am going to g oback upstairs, before I get caught, and cuddle a pillow so that I can maybe get some sleep. Love to you all. Nighty-night.

she's back!

Maeghan is back!!! Yay!!!!! I missed her sooooooooo much! I know, sounds really pathetic, but I DON'T CARE! Hee hee, sugar helps too. Well, just had to say it, so yeah, can't wait to see her.

poems

For all those who don't know, I also have an account on Allpoetry.com. My name is Sabrino (don't ask, Emmanual came up with it, that should be all the explanation that you need) and I have a couple of new ones, quite a few actually, posted on there if any of you all would like to read them. Just something to do, and besides, I want you to. If you do though, please comment. That is all.






Wow, I do believe that I sounded a little like Eryn there...