Saturday, June 04, 2005
dad
Well, I've been crying. Fuck been, I still am. And it's all about him. I know, I've done this before, but it's being brought up again. When I go to camp, I actually do get time to myself to think. Most of the time it's in the car, in my tent, or when we aren't actually doing anything as a group. But the more time that I've had to think, the worse I feel. I feel like it's my fault. I know it's not. But that doesn't stop me from feeling that way. I envy other people's relationships with their parents. Kids whose parents are still together. People who have never known that feeling of loss, of blame, of pain, and of moving on yet having to deal with it daily. I do. I know that I'm not the only one. I'm not trying to say that I am, or say that there is no one that has it worst than me. I know plenty. Maeghan, Eryn, Aimee,Emmanual, and the list goes on. But I'm saying that I'm having a hard time dealing with it. The pain in my heart has increased so much that I can't even think about him without crying.My mum knows it. I hate putting this burden on her, because it makes her wish that she could do something, when she knows that she can't. She's been in the middle long enough. I don't want to do that to her. I don't want to do this to you guys. If you read this and comment or something, thanks, if not, then so be it. It's your choice.If you have your own problems, and don't wanna, or can't, take this on, then please don't. I don't want you all to know me like this. Weak, depressed, hurt. I don't like it. I'm not always like that, and I don't want you all to think that I am. I am a master at hiding things, I've been doing it for years. I do it without even realizing it now. It's a habit. And I don't wanna break that. Few people truly know me. One has never turned me out. The rest have. And that hurts. Even my own dad did. If I can't trust him, then who can I trust? He is my dad, he is suppossed to be there for me. But he's not. And I can't expect anyone to take his place, no matter how badly I want it so that the pain will leave me alone. So, I'm gonna go to bed, cry myself to sleep, and try not to think about it. I love you all.
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2 comments:
hey there little girl. well, i know that i have problems to deal with, but hey, you're my girl. i need to put in my two cents.
we love you. we don't see you as a depressed frightened little girl, because you're not. at times, you can be, but that doesn't make you these things. look at me. well, i'm fucked up. we ALL know that, but it doesn't mean that i can't change personalities.
did i say that right? i hope i did. secondly, he isn't and doesn't have to be your father. god, i wish that i cared enough to give a rats ass, but that's only me. now, how long was he out of your life, and then, how long was he in? why did he leave? did he make you feel better? these are all questions that you need to ask yourself, because no one can change your opinion about anything.
so, answer those questions, and tell yourself why it is that you truely cry. and if you need any depressing music or a dark room, you go my house to go to.
so, if you excuse me, i'm going to work now. yea, i know...fun! but call me before madigaskare (i can't spell and you know that) and i'll go.
love!!!!!!!!!
eryn
although my opinion is crap lol, i think that everyone has hard times and no matter what it is to us, the hardest thing for them is the same as the hardest thing for someone else. so what if it is a bigger or smaller deal than someone elses, it is still the hardest thing in their life. everyone in their right mind breaks down sometime, i know i have, at least you have the guts to share it, even if it isn't all the time. i don't think anyone knows you as a weak person, either mentally or physically. all i can say is we are here for morale support, whenever you are in pain or whatever, think of all your friends who care about you and all the other people who care about you too. It has helped me in the past and hopefully it might help you too.
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