camps

I go to the first of my 6 summer camps tomorrow. It's called 'Discover Louisville'. But, luckily, it's only a day camp, which means that i get to come home at night. It's tuesday thru friday, 9 to five. But I won't get home til 6. But, at least I can still talk to, if not see, you guys. I get to go to the Frasier Arms Museum tomorrow. Woo hoo. Really, the only one that I'm looking forward to is glassworks on friday. And we have to go swimming every day, Yes, have to.My aunt paid 36 bucks for me to get a pass to swim, so i can;t waste that money. I would fell like shit if I did, because , as most of you know, I have a conscious, and the guilt trip thing always works on me. Of course, I'm gonna feel like shit anyway, because I hate bathing suits. you all know that I'm not comfortable enough with my body to be in a bathingsuit. I hate it. I really do. So, I dunno what I'm gonna do. But I do know that it doesn't help the eating thing. So...oh well, I'll find some excuse. I go to my first away camp next week, which means that I won't be coming home during the week. I'm actually looking forward to this one. It's a bike trip! I have wanted to go on one for so long, and now I do. Plus, it'll get me into shape for soccer. Coach said that we have to be in great, near perfect shape before our first practice, because we weren't gonna condition during practice. We are going to work on skills. He expects us to do this ourselves to prepare and show that we wanna be on the team. Well, it'll help me lose a little weight, at least fat wise. And it should be fun. ALso, it's not biking on comcrete, oh no,its in the woods and stuff, so it'll be challenging, but different. Anyway, I can't wait til I can see you guys again. Everyone have fun on their vacations, or whatever the hell you wanna call them.

Eating

Well, I have something that I want to tell you all that I think you should know. I have an eating disorder. Yes, I know, boo hoo, but I just don't want to have to hide it anymore. I've had it for a while now, but I never wanted to truly admit it. And now it's getting worse. I think that's it's a form of binge and purge, or something like that. No no no, I dont force myself to throw up after I eat, it's just that I'll eat a ton, and then just...not eat for a few days.It used to only be for a meal, 2 at most, but now it's whole days. I mean, some of you may know this already, but before today, when I had a fourth of a sandwich, some carrots, and 3 mushroom nuggets (which were awesome, by the way), I haven't had anything to eat for 2 and a half days. The last time that I ate was on sunday, after church, when we went to Maharaja. I stuffed myself there. Right now, my stomach is killing me. And yet I can't eat. The thought of food makes me sick and my stomach hurt even more. I mean, especially what we have. It's all fast food or tv dinners and stuff like that. I mean, that's just not healthy. I keep thinking, it's only a couple of meals, no big deal. And then it's just a couple more. I am more conscience of what I eat, how much I eat, and how often, a hell of a lot more than I ever used to. And it scares me. I mean, when I do eat, it's either one thing, or a whole crapload of stuff. Then I feel bad. I keep thinking, well, maybe if I drop a couple of pounds, people will like me more, they'll think I'm pretty, or hot, or whatever. At least not ugly. Maybe then I'll be happy with myself. I mean, I am happy, in a way, but... I wish I were still on track, at least then I could run and burn off what I eat, so I might not feel as bad. But I'm not in shape enough for that. And, I also eat when I'm sad, or angry at myself. Both of which I have been lately. I dunno. I'm mad at myself for the Maeghan thing (it should explain itself),for liking other people, a lot of stuff. And I'm depressed about the fact that I like people that I have no chance with, that all my relationships, wow, a whole 2 of them, can't even go right. So, I've got a lot on my mind, and this eating thing is just getting out of control. I mean, I hate it. I dunno, I gained 8 pounds, but I've dropped 2 since then. And that's because I didn't eat. I know it's a bad thing, but, it worked. And it shouldn't. Because then I just keep doing it. And I feel even worse about it. The baggy clothes help. I mean, it's what I'm comfy in, but it's also to make me feel less like I'm making a fool of myself trying to fit into clothes that I know I can't, or that won't look right on me. I'm so shy about my body, but it's because I'm so damn insecure.Maybe if I lose weight, I might be able to actually feel alright about doing stuff. And that's the kind of attitude that has gotten me where I am. But I can't seem to change that. i can always something to be unhappy about. And I can't control it. I feel a kind of sadistic happiness in knowing that I am doing this for a good reason, when I know that in reality, it's not good.I just thought that you all should know this. And it hasn't stopped. I don't know what to do, maybe that's why I'm telling you. But all I know is that there is dinner sitting right in front of me, and I can't touch it, let alone eat all of it. Love to you all. Please, don't judge me for this.

Things

I just read Issy's blog, and left one hell of a long comment.O well, I'm sure she won't mind. But it made me think. I mean, she's right, our imperfections are what make us beautiful. But then why are we so damn stuck on everything being perfect? I mean, I know that I think I'm ugly because I don't have the perfect size boobs, my stomach isn't small enough, my thighs are not firm, nor is my ass. I have acne, something that people use against you, something that people call a "blemish". I am selfish, attention seeking, can never do anything right, annoying, loud, am never good enough, always changing to fit in, yet am never satisfied. But does that make me a horrible person? Or does that make me human? I know I have imperfections, and I hate them. I have never thought of them as a good thing. I didn't know that anyone did.I am always striving for perfection, maybe because it's what society has ingrained into us. And I feel like Issy, I don't know what other people think of me. And I'd like to. I know what I think, but it's probably different than what you all see. So, if you could and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you all let me know what you see in me, how you view me, what you think of me,you know, the good and the bad. I really would like to know.

fuck

I'M A FUCKING RETARD!!!How could I be such an idiot! Issy, I'M SO SORRY!!!! I really am, I didn't mean it. You know that you're smart, and you have enough common sense to take up for the rest of us idiots who don't. Like me. How could I be so damn stupid?! We were joking about everyone, blonde's, fucktard, dipshits, everything. Even Andrew. I was joking. I know that that isn't an excuse. I'm your best friend (at least I hope I am), and I love you. I would never do that to you on purpose. I didn't think, and I sure as hell did NOT mean it. Oh my god, Issy, you really don't know how sorry I am. If I could take it back ,I would. In a heartbeat.But I can't. So please, accept my apologies. I feel like shit over it, and I truly didn't mean it. Again, I'M SORRY. I can't say it enough.I love you, with all my heart. Just remember that. I hope that this won't do anything to what you think about me. I LOVE YOU, a million things unsaid.

You should read my last post first for this one to make sense.

Writing that last post, my hands were shaking. I felt sick to my stomach, and I was so close to not publishing it, not showing you all how vulnerable I am, not letting you all see what's inside of me, how I feel. I didn't want you all to see how truly weak I am, how I pretend to be strong, when I'm really not.But I did. Because you all are my friends, and I think that you all deserve it. I hope to god that you all with still be my friends, and not judge me for it. I hated doing it. I am still tempted to delete it before you all get home from school. Before you have the chance to read it.But I won't. I can't. It's already there, and that's where it's gonna stay. I love you all.

Sick

I wasn't in school today because I was sick, both physically and emotionally. It was just one of those days. I still have the headache that is now a migraine that I've had for the past 3 days. It's getting fucking annoying! I just want it to go away, but will it? No! LoL, look at me, I'm yelling at a friggin headache! And I call other people crazy...Anyway.And now for the emotional part. A lot has been bothering me lately that most people haven't known about. For the most part, it's been about my dad. As most people know, last Sunday was Mother's Day. So what the fuck was I doing thinking about my dad?! I mean, the day was supposed to be about my mum, not him. I did the best I could, I acted happy, gave my mum lots of hugs, told her I loved her and was just nice for the day and hung out with her. But my dad was still there, in the back of my mind. He is my dad, I guess he's always been there, and probably always will be. But I dunno why I kept thinking about him on that specific day. Maybe it had something to do with Phil's service at church. He talked about mother figures in our life's and he also talked about people being brought up by their dads acting as mothers. Maybe that's what did it. I almost cried during that sermon because all my emotions about him just built up. How much I love him, how much I hate him, how I hate myself for hating him, how I don't want to love him anymore, yet how I can't stop, how he hurt me, how it still effects every aspect of my life, no matter how much I try to hide it or don't want to acknowledge it. It is all overwhelming. I know this is a lot to put on you all, especially since you might not understand.Then again, maybe you will. I'm sorry for doing this to you all, but I just had to get it out. I couldn't hide it and keep it inside anymore. He has done a lot to me, and I have had to deal with it my entir life. But when I was young, I was able to hide behind my innocence and pretend that I didn't know what was going on. I can't do that anymore. I know exactly what is going on, and it hurts. It really does. The pain is unbelieveable, to know that your own dad, someone who is supposed to love and protect you, did this to you. Then to know that he blames you for it, blames you for everything. Everything that happens, has happened, is all your fault. To know that he kicked you out of his, your, house because you won't give it, you won't let him win, you won't say that it didn't happen. To know that you won't ever have a relationship with your father because of this. And it's hard. It's something that I have had to live with my entire life, and will have to keep on doing so. I can't expect you all, to help me with this.That is too big a burden to ask of someone. So I'm not going to. What hurts almost the most is the fact that you want, crave a relationship with him. there is something missing in your heart that can never be replaced. How can you want a relationship with a man who did this to you? He has more power than he will ever know because he is my dad. No matter what, nothing can change that. And I get hurt everytime. My parents divorced when I was 3, and he never looked back. I didn't see him for 10 years. I saw him again when I was 13. He actaully came back into my life when I was 14 when I discovered that he was engaged. I wanted so badly to have a father again, that I willing to forget about the past, was wiling to do anything to feel his love again. He was a so-called "reborn" christian. He told me that he loved me, that he always has, that he never did anything, never wanted this to happen. And I believed him. I was so desparate, I believed him. But then I discovered who he truly was. Again. And it hurt even more this time. Because I know what it really means. I wil rememebr it for the rest of my life. This time, he has not only walked out of my life, he has pushed me out of his until I give in. It is so hard to have a dad that you think loves you, then to have him walk out. I was the idiot who was gullible enough to let him do that again. I wanted to believe that he was a changed man, I wanted to give him a second chance. And I did. But it tore me apart when he did it again. I know now that he hasn't changed, that he never will. There is a part of me that I keep locked up, out of reach. It's about my dad. Because it hurts to much to unlock it, to open that door, to walk into that room, and have to deal with it all over again. All the memories, all the times we had together, the good and the bad, what he did, anything that relates to him, I keep shut away. It's not there if I can't see it. It didn't happen if I don't remember it. But I know it's there. Some part of me, at all times, knows it's there. And that there's nothing I can do about it. I want so badly to have a normal relationship that any other father and daughter have. But he ruined that. I have tried to do that, but I just got shot down. I'm not willing to do that again. I tried, I really did, but I can't do it again. I just can't. And there's still that hole, thet hole that aches, that yearns to be filled, with something, anything. But it can't be. Because the only one who could do that is my dad. And he's not willing. Maybe that hurts the most of all.

Mother's Day

Yup, today was mother's day. And guess what? I've spent it with my mother. And it actually hasn't been too bad. I woke up at Issy's this morning and then went to church. My mum was there and i wished her a Happy Mother's Day. She was glad that I remembered (as if I'd forget) and seemed to be in a good mood. Well, Phil gave out flowers to some of the mother's in the congregation, but only to 3. He gave one out to the oldest mother present, the youngest one present, and the one that had the most kids with them today. Evidently, my mum is the youngest mother in our church. By one month.She didn't want to say her age, which is only 42, but I made her. Literally. I kept elbowing her in the side til she said her age. Hee hee, cruel, I know, but fun. Anyways, one woman there had 4 kids,well, teenagers, so she got the last one. It was packed in there today, but I guess that's logical considering the day. What was funny was that when Alan woke us up this morning, he said that we had better get up and not fuss because it was mother's day. We had not even been able to make a noise yet. I mean, nothing, no moans of sleep or a single syllable. If I had been awake at all, I probably would have laughed. Anyway, I've been at my grandma's house for most of the day. And go figure, when I go to the one house where I can stay online as long as I want, the computer has crashed. I about screamed. So, I've been talking about religion and politics with my GRANDMOTHER. Yes, RELIGION and POLITICS. ALL DAY. Joy, huh? Then her maintenence man came in, and joined the conversation, as did her fiance. Yes, my grandmother has a fiance. And don't bother asking, because I ain't saying shit. To say the least, it has been quite an interesting day. Just to let you know, I don't like her fiance, whose name is Mark. He's uber catholic, as in, he's STILL an altar boy. And he's 72! Ha, oh well, whatever floats your boat. Yes, boat, not clit, Frankie. LoL. I was supposed to go to Nancy's house (Susan's sister) and have a birthday/mothers day party, but I didn;t go because I have a headache (probably from staying up til 2 am) my mum wouldn't be there, I don't feel like dealing with them, and I didn't get any presents for them. So, I'm home. Oh, plus the fact that their phone was out and I couldn't reach them. I did discover that they weren't staying at the house because of that,and I have no idea where they are, so I'm glad I didn't go. SO, Happy Mother's Day to you all, and to all...well, you know the rest of it.

Lookie 2

You hide behind The Cold Mask. you like to show
people that you don't care about any thing and
that people don't concern you but you only do
this because you are afraid that when you love
someone or get close to them, you might loose
them in the end, cuz loosing is your worst
nightmare, so you always tend to keep a
distance between you and the others, this way
you think you are safe.

What kind of masks you hide behind? (i added pix)
brought to you by

SOUL.you are everybody's friend, no one hates you.you
are sweet and tender and appreciate things.but
be aware cuz someone may take an advantage on
you. but generally you are very AFFCTIONATE
person

What is hot in you (your body, brain or soul) ? (girls only)
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You fall for inside, you don't show your emotions
like an idiot, you stay till the right momment
comes, some times people say you are mean, some
times shy, others might say you are introvert,
people like to analyize you cuz you are
mysterious and you like it this way, you don't
fall in love easily and you know how and when
to use your mind.

What side would you fall for?
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Accedintally, you will find them, in the last place
you would expect, may be they are near you
right now and you don't know, you love to have
a good time that is why the chances that you
and them be friends first than get in a
romantic relationship is very high, so open
your eyes and think, it might be so close.

Where will you find love?
brought to you by


Compassion: Compassion is your prime instinct. You
have a truly beautiful soul, it belongs to
Heaven. It makes you sad to see how life became
so cruel, but you always hope that the best
will happen. Don't stop being yourself, cuz
your friends need you.

What is your prime instinct?
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Concert

Yeah, our concert was last night. And it sucked, in my opinion. Mr.D seemed to think that we did alright, so I guess that's all that matters, at least gradewise. Somehow, the first violins were either a measure behind, or the rest of the orchestra was a measure ahead. I think it was that the first violins were behind. But the funny part was that they were all lost together. And if they were actually right and the rest of the orchestra was ahead, then that's still funny because we were all lost together. Maybe it was Mr.D's mistake, because whoever was lost, it was everyone in that entire section. He could have conducted wrong or something. Not like we pay attention to him, but oh well, it's someone to blame it on. And I think that it sounded kinda cool , when you think about it, though that's probably just me. You know what would have been REALLY cool? If we had covered them screwing up by turning it into a round, like, every section ending one at a time. that would have been awesome. But no, our conductor is too dignified for that. Oh well, it was funny, at least. Oh yeah, the concert was "fun" and all, but one thing DID suck. Major monkey ass too (sorry Issy, I have to).I HAD TO WEAR A SKIRT!Yes, had to.I couldn't find any black pants. And besides that Frankllin went on and on about how "hot" it was gonna be in Comstock. When I get there, they have the AC going. I was about to MURDER him. I HATE skirts. They take me way out of my comfort zone, which is looser pants and a hoodie. Occasionally I wear jeans. But not skirts. I hate how I look in them. I feel like an idiot. Some people are skirt people, but I'm not one of them. Yeah, that sucked. Plus, I had to wear heels. Those are painful. And I'm not used to walking in them, so I'm all clumsy and crap. I can't walk right. I feel like an idiot in those too. They're just not me. I also danced with Issy in the skirt and heels. Now THAT was funny. The fact that I can't dance in the first place added to the fact that I was wearing a skirt, equaled not good things. Haha, but there was one funny point during the entire evening that beat all, andthat was when I bentdown and put my violin away. I had heels on, and when I went to stand up, they caught on the skirt and it came down! Talk about embarrassing. But no one was around at the time. They had all already put away their instruments. That was pure luck. Another funny thing was that Issy and Franklin were both pissed that they missed it. Haha. I find that so hilarious. The one time that happens, they aren't around. Or anyone else, for that matter. I was glad about it though. I am very self-conscience, and that would have killed me. I would never be able to look at anyone again. but that didn't happen, so I'm good. Hee hee. I'll talk to you all later.