Vacation

Finally, all the packing is done, and we are about to leave for Issy's! We leave early tomorrow morning, and we'll return on the 2nd. I'm looking forward to this, because it should be fun. So, I shall see you guys when we get back, and I'll miss you! Lovelovelove!

Hey guys, just to let you know, I put some new poems up on Allpoetry. I think there are 4 of them, and 2 are contest poems, so you all can read them if you want. And I hope to see ya tonight...

arguements

Suddenly I'm wondering if this trip is worth it. No offense to you Issy, but all the stress is not good. We both saw what was going on with your mum, and mine just totally blew her top at me tonight. Over nothing.And now I'm not feeling so great, she's question every damn thing that I do, and I just don't want to have to deal with it. She's hitting everything that hurts right now. I'm back up in weight, and all my family members are noticing. They're all like,"she's gotten a little taller, but she's grown more around the middle".I mean, oh yeah, that feels great. I mean, first my mum said something, then my grandma, hell, even her fiance noticed.Then the maintenance man, with whom I am really good friends with noticed, but he didn't say anything. I just went on a serious binge today, and now I feel like shit. I haven't been to cross country practice since Monday, and I won't be there for about 2 weeks. Mum keeps talking to me about Maeghan, keeps asking me if our relationship is "going downhill". And she thinks I haven't noticed!!!! She found out that I haven't seen Maeghan in 3 weeks, and she was like , that's not good. No shit sherlock. And she's the one who has said no plans with friends this week. I dunno, but I can't get away. i jsut want to be left alone. She brought it up that it was my choice not to go to practice last night. I was like, oh no it wasn't, it ws you who kept calling me and threatening me that if I didn't get it done, I wasn't going on the trip.So yeah, I skipped practice and got it done, with 2 hours to spare. Anyways, I just want to be left alone, or get out, away. Anything, I don't care. But yeah, now i have to go to bed, rest up for the vacation where I'm going to be resting up some more. Anyways, I hope to see you guys tomorrow, maybe I'll be in a better mood. I hope so. Bibi.

cross country practice

Yeah, I just got back from my first cross country practice EVER!I feel really good right now.We ran a half mile warm up, 2 miles on the course, and then a half mile cool down. It was great. I ran the first mile at my own pace, which felt really good, and I was pushing myself a little.THe second mile I stayed back with Gibson because I don't want her to quit. I know from experience that being at the back of the group can be a killer. So I stayee with her, I won't have to all practices, because there is another girl who is normally there that stays with her, but it was fun, It felt so good to know that I could jog (granted, a slow jog, but a jog none-the-less) a mile and not be totally exhausted from it. Beginnign of last year I wouldn't have been able to do that.Oh my god, it felt good!I just hope that I continue to feel that way the rest of the season. Yup, I'm officially on the cross country team now.Tee hee. I'm hyper now. I really do love this feeling.And I am going to stick with this season. I will not quit. No matter what my mum says, I am doing this for no one else but me.I want to feel better about myself, and if this willl help me think that I'm getting into shape, then I'm gonna do it.If it'll make me feel better about myself, because that's what I really need, then I'm going to do it. I just hope I can. I think I can, but I need to keep thinking that. And that's what's going to be hard, The mental thing. I know my body can do it, but will my mind make it? With lots of willpower, I think I can.I really want to do this. The practices are Monday-Saturday. It's gonna kill me, and I'm gonna hate it, but I'm gonna do it. I can't let myself think of any excuse to quit, or to not try. That's what I did during track.If I quit once, it's tha much easier to do it again. And I don't want that. My goal right now is to not quit, and to not stop, to at least walk. And I think I can do it, I really do.Wow, I just feel so good right now. I know that tomorrow morning I'm gonna wake up, get out of bed, and like scream, but that's ok. I can deal with that. I just love this feeling. and I'm gonna kill myself later for joining, because I kinda decided about an hour and a half before practice started to join the team, but hey, if not then, then I wasn't going to do it. So yeah, I'm gladI did. As Elliot drove me, home, we talked. What he said meant more to me than what he thinks.I really appreciate it. Not like he will know that I said that, but I can still say it.Yay, I'm gonna go, maybe eat some food, and then go to bed.I shoudl probably finish this Powerade too. Nighty-night.

Friday Night Game Night

I don't know if you all know this, (Issy, you probably do, and you too Franklin) but my mum and Luara and a few other people have been trying to organize a game night. Well, they did it. This Friday there will be a game night at my church. It is the first one, and they want as many people as possible to come, so I am supposed to invite all my friends.I hope you all can come, because I have no choice, I must go. I am kinda co-hosting it. There will be food (provided by the people who come) and games or activities, or whatever the hell you wanna call them. Yeah, so, please be there. It's from 7-10. I really would like to see you all there, because I am leaving saturday for 10 days, and my mum has just informed that I can't make any plans to hang out with friends this week because I've got stuff to do.So basically that is the only way that I will be able to see you guys, for a while. After I get back from the vacation, I have a camp the next week, and 3 days after that, school starts. That sucks.So yeah, be there. Can't wait to see ya.

just updating

Yeah, I'm over at Issy's right now. It is about 10 am and I just got up. None of us were tired last night, so we decided to have some fun. And we did. But after all that, I still couldn't sleep. I wewnt outside to think for a while and just feel the night air and listen to the sounds of the crickets. I was out there for about 10 minutes and then Issy came out. We had a littel chat about her and some other stuff,then we had to go inside because her cat was suicidal.It kept trying to jump off the second floor balcony. Anyway, we come down here for a while, messed around, and then she went to bed. I didn't get to sleep til about 6.Yeah, I woke up and mum called and told me that she couldn't take me to church because she wan't feeling good. This was fine by me, as I didn't want to go. Right now, Eryn, is talking to Laura and her mum and trying to see wif we can go over to her house to see the birdie. It sounds so cute, I'd like to see it. Anyway, I have to be at Susan's by 12:30, so I'm gonna go and hang out with them for a while. I'm in a better mood right now, maybe that's because I"m around my friends, but whatever it is, it's nice.Ttyl.

I'm back

Well, for some reason, the fucking internet, or my fucking computer, won't let me see my blog, and it won't let me view it from my area either.That sucks.Oh well. Yeah, I'm back, and I'm really glad to be home. It was so fucking miserable there.There were hundreds of bugs, like horseflies and shit. Those things are fucking PAINFUL when they bite!Yeah, so now I officially hate those things.I got bit by them, but nothing else. Eveyone was eaten alive by mosqitos and everything else, but I wasn't. They just annoyed the crap out of you. And they were immune to bug spray. That sucked royally.All those bugs would fly around your head, into your ears, into your eyes. I laughed because allthose people who talked or yelled a lot got a mouthful of bugs. I mean, it was insane. People were running around camp, screaming, slapping themselves, and trying to outrun the bugs. Word of advice: it doesn't work.I tried.I mean, even the tough dudes were making these hig pitch screams and were running and swatting.About every 5 minutes you would see someone sprint through the campsite trying to get away. people were literally slapping themselves. I wore pants the entire time, and a raincoat,even though it was extremely hot and humid.Yeah, it was almost 90 degress most of the time, with about 90 percent humidity.That was not fun.And it didn't much at night. The tents were our only refuge from the bugs, and they would only let us in there at about midnight when it was time for bed. And they were so hot that it was hard to sleep. Of course, it was raining all week, and you know my luck, my stuff got wet. No one else's in the tent.Only mine. Yeah, one night I couldn't sleep, soI opened the window to let some air in, and it starts to rain. It's not coming in, so I finally fall alseep to the sound of the strom. I wake up when it starts to pour because it hits me in the face. that was just not cool.I closed the window, but my stuff still got wet.But yeah, a faceful of cold water at 2 am is not cool,even though it felt good, but it was a rude awakening.Anyway, we hiked in the Red River Gorge. That was an awesome sight, I mean, it was so beautiful. I got to climb rocks all over the place.And I even went on my own little hike with this girl named Sharon. Yeah she's awesome. She also happens to be a lesbian. Yeah, she slept next to me in my tent, and we had some pretty interesting conversations. Anyways, I was also stuck with 2 girls that we called the Bush Twins. Cruel, I know, but they deserved it. They tried to pick a fight with me. Like, an actual fight, but I didn't do anything.They were really fucking annoying, and this other girl hung out with them too, and she was such a bitch.Yeah, they did absolutely nothing, and when they did, they said that they were the only ones who ever worked and told us to get off our asses and do seomthing. When they were asked to do something, they refused saying that they already did their share. I'm not one to brag, but I worked my ass off there. I always do.We had to haul all our stuff, and they couldn't, correction, wouldn't, carry anything besides their stuff.We had all this stuff for the group that needed to be carried,and they wouldn't have anyt part of it. So a couple of other people and I did.Oh well, I'm gonna stop complaining now, I got to go to the Red River Gorge and see some really pretty sites.But yeah, I'm gonnago take a shower now, because I haven't had one in 7 days and I"m starting to feel kinda icky.Bibi.

overwhelmed and scared

I'm really depressed right now andI'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment.You know, that is the only thing that ever gets to me really, being overwhelmed and under stress.I have a lot to deal with, a lot to think about, and it's just starting to get to me.And I'm still in that FUCKING CUDDLING MOOD! Great, now i get to go to camp like that...that's really gonna suck.Grr, I have to figure this out. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I have to say something for why I am so screwed up. A little while ago, as ina month or 2, I was feeling as bad as I used to when I had to go to that metal hospital. For all those that don't know, I was in one, and it sucked. I have been in those little white padded rooms before, and they're really not fun. I have had to have my blood taken everyday to make sure that everything is fine, and that I haven't tried to OD on something. I was put in there for many reasons, most of which have to do with my dad. In fact, all of it does. I was suicidal, had tried several times to commit suicide, I had run away, and so much more.It's not a good feeling, and I don't like it. It scares me. I haven't been at that point in years, and it terrified me that I was feeling that way again.Right now I'm not, but I'm still trying to get over when I was, and I'm trying to keep myself from going there again so that nothing happens. Because I don't want that. It's a very bad place to be, and I hate it. So, just to let you all know, that's what I'm struggling with, and with being overwhelmed by everything.So, I'm gonna leave it here, because I've got to pack, but I love y'all and I'll see ya when I get back.









Maybe I shouldn't have posted this...you all don't need to read this. You don't need to know.I shouldn't put this on you, it's not fair.I think I'm going to delete it. It's so hard not to, to just keep it all inside.Maybe it's for the best that I keep it hidden.

Well, yesterday was interesting. Eryn was ina bad mood because of many things. I wanted to just hang with Maeghan, and Issy showed us her "potential" boyfriend and I go tsome henna last night. You know, this group is screwed. There is only one person here that I know of that doesn't like Issy. Well, 2. That equals bad.But what can we do? Issy's going to get her a boyfriend that isn't in the group, which is probably for the best, and everyone else is just giong to have to deal.I know that some things are going to happen, and some people are going to get hurt, but that's what happens when people get close to each other.Today I have to be over at Susan's to pack for camp, because I am leaving for it Monday. I will be at the Red River Gorge, and i will be gone for a week. I get back Friday, at around 6.I doubt that I will be able to do anything that night, but I am skipping the camp that is the very next week. It is too much for me. I can't be gone for almost 5 weeks straight. So I'm going to take a week break before I go with Issy.I hope that everyone has fun and that some things get worked out, because they really need to be. Ok, well, I guess that's it, mum is on her way to pick me up (I'm at Eryn's house) and she should be here pretty soon. Bibi.

concert

Ok, now I'm really pissed. Mum wouldn't let me go to the concert. I actually got some sleep last night, not much, about 3 hours, but I feel fine.I am just really mad that she would change plans that I made without even asking me how I feel. I mean, she told people that I was sick, for crying out loud! I'm not, I have no idea where she is getting this from. But still, I'm mad.Issy asked me to be there, and now I can't. I was going to see Maeghan and do something right after the concert, now I have to wait a couple of hours. That realyl pisses me off. I made plans, and mum had no right to change them. Maybe she did, I don't care,I just would have liked to have known that she was going to do that.Well, she is now nagging, so I've gotta go. Bibi.