well...

There are a lot of things going on inside my mind right now. Most of them have something to do with Maeghan.I haven't seen her in almost 2 weeks, and I really miss her. But here's the thing, I'm really struggling with having a girlfriend and liking other people. I mean, yeah, I like Maeghan, I like her a lot. But I also like some other people. Like Eryn, Issy, Andrew, and yes, I still like Franklin. And I don't mean I like them as just friends. I have an attraction to all of them. I know that I could never date them (probably) because it would change the relationship, and other people might get hurt. I am so fucking confused right now. So, here are some things that I just have to say. I hope that no one gets offended, if they do, I'm sorry. Issy:You know how I feel about you. I have ever since 5th grade. Even when I knew you in 4th grade, there was something there. I just didn't know what it was. Well, I also know what you have told me, about how you feel about me. And I understand, it's ok.I am just going to have to deal with that and move on.I really missed you while you were gone, and I'm glad that you are back. I can't wait to see you and catch back up again. Eryn: I like you. A lot. I have since the beginning of the year.I know that you like me, I'm just not sure how much, or what that means. I'd really like to know. It fucks with my mind, because I do have a gf, so I shouldn't have these feelings. But I do. And there is nothing you can do about it, or have done, so don't think that it is in any way your fault. Because it's not. Recently, we have found out a lot about each other, our similarities and differences, and I think that's a good thing. I really have enjoyed the time with you. Franklin: What to say... A lot has happened that involves you. Yes, I still like you, but I seriously doubt that anything can come of it because of what has happened. Plus, a lot has changed this year. I know how you feel about me, or at least how you say you feel. But right now, we are friends, and that's how it needs to stay right now and probably for a while. I am invilved with someone else, and I intend to keep that relationship going. Andrew: Well, this is probably going to be awkward or weird, but here goes. I have a crush on you. I have since about halfway through the year, when I actually got to know you. but I also know that you like someone else. I have absolutely no idea how you feel about me. For all I know, you think of me as a friend and I'm freaking the shit out of you right now. Oh well, I had to. But, I hope this doesn't change anything. Well, that's about it people. My mind is really screwed right now. I just confirmed that one of my friends has a crush on Maeghan. I'm not going to say who, but they know who they are. I am not blaming them, because it is not their fault that they like her. I do too, plus, you can't help who you are attracted to. I really trust this person,so I hope nothing will, or would, happen. If it did, I would be hurt beyond belief, because I really really like Maeghan, and I hope that she still likes me. I think that Maeghan might also have a crush on this person too. But I hope that she still likes me, which is one thing that definetly concerns me. She has had way more experience with girls than I have, so I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, and I'm really worried that she might not feel the same about me like I do her. So, if I'm a little stressed, give me a break. That's all for now, but I'm sure that there will be more later. Love ya.

yup, I'm back

Yay!!!I missed you guys so much! Everything I saw or heard reminded me of you all. I mean, for example, they played Love Shack and time Warp at Cedar Point. So, while I was waiting in line, I was thinking of Eryn, getting some crazy looks because I was dancing, and just having fun.That was just an example, but I'll tell those who ask more about things later. Too much went on to write down here. Yeah, i got a total of about 6-7 hours of sleep all week. I gave up my sleeping bag to someone who forgot theirs, I kept getting left out with the food, and I had to sleep in a puddle because the idiots in my tent made 6 people "fit" into a 4 person tent.That was fun. I got to ride the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster. That was the shit! I was a royal bitch at times, but still a hard worker there, as usual. People learned very quickly not to mess with me. Adrian, the dude who likes me, was into my personal space a little more than usual, but oh well. Ther is a lot more to tell, but if you wanna know, then ask me, because I can't remember much right now. Oh yeah, I had a ton of different moods, but again, ask me if you want more info. Well, I missed you guys so much, can't wait to see you. Love you.

just an update

Well, right now I'm at Eryn's typing this, waiting under her screen name for someone to sign on, eating an everything bagel with herb cream cheese and drinking a cappucino. Maeghan came over last night and hung out for a few hours. We went to walgreens, got me some make up (not that preppy shit, a little more goth) hung out there for an hour waiting for Eryn's pics to develop (big mistake), and bought a couple of things. We found a neon green light up gel football! Oh, that was entertainment for hours. And of course, Maeghan got her popsicles. They were gone before she left. Yeah, we had fun with those. I have been at Eryn's basically everyday except for Monday. It has been so much fun. We should do that again sometime. Yeah, we found paintbrushes and highlighters. Oh, the times. ANd of course, add a blacklight=ooooooooo. Hee hee. Oh, and I got my hair cut. It's SHORT, but it's at least longer than Eryn's.I like it, so if you don't DEAL WITH IT. Oh, and Wednesday I had to go to the Cabbage Patch to talk to my aunt's boss. And guess what? I CAN GET A HORSE!!!! Yes, isn't it awesome? I get to go over to his farm and work with it, and if it works out I can buy it from him. He'll even board it for me, for a little extra work. Yeah, it'll be a huge responsiblility, but I have wanted a horse since I was old enough to say it. The horse is an pure bred Arabian buckskin gelding. In case you didn't know, Arabians have great endurance, and can out run almost every horse out there. So, yeah, I'm excited to say the least.Well, Issy is getting back tonight, and I look forward to it. I am going to the airport, so I shall get to see her. It's been way to long, she has been missed. But I hope that she has had fun. I am leaving for camp this Monday and I'll get back next Friday. This sucks, because it seems like everyone is coming back and now I'm leaving and when I get back more people are leaving. Grrrrrrrr. My schedule is fucked up. And you know what else? I might not get to do soccer. Now I'm pissed. The camps are going through practices, I haven't had a physical yet, and coach needs 300 bucks from for expenses so that I can be on the team.I don't have that kinda money, and we are supposed to have it by our first practice. The thing is, that practice may be tonight. JUne 18. But maybe it's JUly 18, I really hope so, because it doesnt end til 8:30, which means I would miss Issy. I'm not gonna do that. There is just so much crap that we have to do, and I either haven't gotten it done or will not be able to. Plus, I'm not in shape. Coach said that we had to be in GREAT shape before our first practice. Well, I'm not. I mean, I've done camp, but that hasn't really done much. I haven't been able to work out on my own. Well, I guess I'll see what happens, because I really don't wanna give up soccer. Well, I hope that everyone has a nice week, because this is probably the last time I'll be able to blog for a while. Love to you all.

format

This applies to the blog below this one. Sorry for the format of that survey, my computer screwed it up. Oh well, I'm sure you all will be able to figure it out, considering that you all are more computer-wise than me.

survey

I know, I know, lame, but this is what happens when I'm bored. Hey, it could be worse...and the only one exempt from this is Eryn, because I know that she won't do it anyway. Eryn, if you decide to, go right ahead, I'd like to see the answers because they should be interesting. But to everyone else, you know I can't make you, but I thank you if you do, because it gives me something to do. Hello my name is_______. I ________ Brie. Brie is _______. Me + Brie = _______. I wish Brie and I were ______. If I were alone in a room with Brie, I would _______. I want Brie to know that I __________. I think Brie should _________. Brie needs to _________. I want to ____________ Brie. Someday Brie will ________. _______ reminds me of Brie. Without Brie I would _______. Memories of Brie are ________. Brie can be __________. The worst thing about Brie is _________. The best thing about Brie is _________. Brie _________.

I'M BACK!!!

Yup, I'm home. I missed you guys soooo much! I can't wait to see you all!!!Well, I had a pretty good time. Here are some highlights (if oyu want details, you'll have to talk to me): I biked a total of 45 miles in 2 days, went to the cincinnati reds baseball game (yes, I did enjoy it), spent ALL day at a water park across from Kings Island called The Beach, saved someone's life in the wave pool there,got sunburned, got a little surprise from the goddess of womanhood (whoever that is) which majorly sucked, and had a water ballon fight an hour before we left to come back. So, I've been busy, had a good time, but still missed you guys. I've gotta see you all soon. Talk to you when I do.Love you all.

dad

Well, I've been crying. Fuck been, I still am. And it's all about him. I know, I've done this before, but it's being brought up again. When I go to camp, I actually do get time to myself to think. Most of the time it's in the car, in my tent, or when we aren't actually doing anything as a group. But the more time that I've had to think, the worse I feel. I feel like it's my fault. I know it's not. But that doesn't stop me from feeling that way. I envy other people's relationships with their parents. Kids whose parents are still together. People who have never known that feeling of loss, of blame, of pain, and of moving on yet having to deal with it daily. I do. I know that I'm not the only one. I'm not trying to say that I am, or say that there is no one that has it worst than me. I know plenty. Maeghan, Eryn, Aimee,Emmanual, and the list goes on. But I'm saying that I'm having a hard time dealing with it. The pain in my heart has increased so much that I can't even think about him without crying.My mum knows it. I hate putting this burden on her, because it makes her wish that she could do something, when she knows that she can't. She's been in the middle long enough. I don't want to do that to her. I don't want to do this to you guys. If you read this and comment or something, thanks, if not, then so be it. It's your choice.If you have your own problems, and don't wanna, or can't, take this on, then please don't. I don't want you all to know me like this. Weak, depressed, hurt. I don't like it. I'm not always like that, and I don't want you all to think that I am. I am a master at hiding things, I've been doing it for years. I do it without even realizing it now. It's a habit. And I don't wanna break that. Few people truly know me. One has never turned me out. The rest have. And that hurts. Even my own dad did. If I can't trust him, then who can I trust? He is my dad, he is suppossed to be there for me. But he's not. And I can't expect anyone to take his place, no matter how badly I want it so that the pain will leave me alone. So, I'm gonna go to bed, cry myself to sleep, and try not to think about it. I love you all.