I dont know what to do...

I really don't. I have a ton of stuff going around in my head that I don't know what to do with. I mean, I know that there's really not mcuh that I can do, but I wish I could.I'll name a few of the things here, but the real personal ones I'm gonna leave out. If you really wanna know, ask me personally. Ok, here goes. I have no idea what to do about Brad. Noone at all. My heart says to take him back, as does part of my head. but the resst of me, as well as some of my friends, say that I shouldn't. I can't figure out what to do. Maybe I should just leave it as it is. But then, wha if that's wrong? I dunno, but it is definetly something that I need to figure out. I mean, I was going to explain to him the real reasons why I broke up with him and ask him if he would take me back. But now I've discovered that he can't come to collaboratory, so i have no clue what I'm going to do now. I can't think of another way to see him. Well, it gives me more time to think, but I'm not sure that that's such a good thing as it has gotten me nowhere thus far. Next thing is Kinsey. I like her. I think that she's very athletic, cute, nice and speaks her mind (which I love). Today in gym I just sat up in the bleachers and listened to my music and watched her. She was practicing volleyball. She's really good. I know, obssesssive, right? But I'm not, I just like watching people who are really good at sports, and she is. It was fun. But I'm not exactly sure how I feel about her. I mean, I have a crush on her, but I don't know how big that crush is yet or the extent of it. I guess I'll have to wait and find out. Grrr, I hate waiting. Ok, on to the next thing. Which would be my dad. You would think that after all that he's done to me, all he's put me through, that i would be happy about him kicking me out. I don't have to see him anymore or even talk to him. I should be happy. But for some reason, I'm not. I dunno why. I guess that he hurt me more than I thought. I don't know what's happening. In one way I AM glad that I don't have to deal with him, his lies, his cheats, the way that he has of making you feel guilty, like it's your fault. I don't have to be on guard anymore. But then again, I want to have relationship with my dad. I want to get to know him. But he walked out on me once when my parents divorced, he's done it now, and I'm afraid that he'd do it again. I'm not sure if it's worth it. In fact, if what he's shown to me is the real him, maybe it's good that I don't get the chance to know him. He is a shovenist, womanizer, very intolerant, closed minded, bastard, asshole, prejudice, biased, striaght as hell, hard core/reborn christian (supposedly), and MY DAD. There are other words for him, but they go into too much personal detail. Plus there really areno words that could describe him. Well, that's all that I'm goona say about him. Or can. At least on here. Or anywhere, except to certain people. Anyway, on to the next subject. Frankie. Oy. What to say. What CAN I say. Frankie is Frankie. I like him, but... I hate to type thid, but I have to. I like him, but he hurt me. What I don't understand and scares me is that I DO still have crush on him. I mean, I don't know how, or even why, especially after what he did to me. I am still hurting from it, even though I may not outwardly show it. I'm glad me and him are still friends and I hope that we can stay that way. I also hope that no one has to go through what I did. My heart was broke. Not because I liked him that much, but because he used me. I don't like it, it's not fun and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. Not even Bobby deserves that. Nobody does. Ok, well, lets continue. I discovered that I have a mask. Several, in fact. I have known for a while that I have them, but I did not realize until recently just how many or how often I use them. I have a happy mask, a depressed mask, a hyper one and one that imitates other people. If I hang around someone enough, I get to know what they like, and I start acting like that. I don't like it. I wanna be myself. But sometimes I can't help it. It's just so much easier to have people like you and think that you are perfectly happy. It makes things less awkward. Especially after you've had your heart broken. More than once. My sad mask I seem to only use when I'm alone. Though maybe it's not a mask. Maybe I just need to be sad sometimes. I dunno. But I don't wanna be depressed, and I don't like acting like it, even when I'm alone. But I don't like being happy all the time either. Well, not that I don't like being happy, but not when I'm not. I'm saying I'm depressed, because I'm not. I used to be and I know what it's like, therefore I know I'm not. I just wanna be myself. I'm just afraid that my friends have gotten used to the me that I've portrayed. I don't want to change that, but I can't leave it either. I'm going to have to do something, and I think that this is a pretty good start. Let's just see what happens from here. I think that I've written enough for one night, so I'll end it here.

issy's making me update

I just came back from the shoe store with Issy. We went to get some running shoes. I desperately needed them because I was in pain in my lower back, neck and calves. Now I have some actual running shoes! Yay! Issy's making me do this, as you can see by the title. Well, I guess I'm here for dinner, but not for the night. Laura's sick and needs as little stress as possible, so I've gotta go home eventually. O well, I'll deal with it. Oy, I'm thinking about a lot. Mostly about Brad and what I'm gonna do this weekend. And about what I told Frankie today in orchestra. Frankie, don't you dare say ANYTHING! Well, Issy knows now, so I guess it's ok. But still, stop with that demonic smile of yours! I mean it, you seriously have a death wish.

bad things

The shit has definetly hit the fan now. I mean, really. Everyone who is gonna read this will know what im talking about, so I don't have to repeat it. Plus, I don't think it would help. All I know is that I just had a huge fight with my mom over everything and anything that has happened over the past few days, from my clothes to my friends. My mum has grounded me, banned me from buying any black clothes, jewelry, make-up or wearing it. She is not going to let me be in a room alone, I can't go over to Issy's anymore unless she's the only one there, my mum and my aunt and I have to have a little chat, she doesn't trust me anymore and she willl be monitering all my conversations anywhere, like IM or phone or in person. She's yelling at me, and I can't take it anymore. I'm about to lose it. If one more thing happens, I swear I'll snap. I have no clue what I'm gonna do. Or what I can.

brad

It's done. I actually did it. I broke up with him. Great, now I feel like shit. Today is just not my day. I feel guilty, jealous, envious, crappy, numb,stupid, unhappy and mean. There are plenty of others, but I'm not gonna list them here as they would bring up some rather bad issues. Anyway, it's over. Now I'm single. Woo hoo. This sucks. If anyone wants to talk with me about anything, feel free. Or ask questions, both work. I just need to talk to someone right now. Before something stupid happens. I love all of you.

Manual's Homecoming

It was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me and Brad went with Issy and Robert. The game was really boring, so we just sat there and talked for 2 hours. Me and Brad that is. Issy and Robert were at work. We got to the dance late because the game didn't end until 9:30, but it was fine.Except that we missed who became king and queen, but that didn't really matter as I don't know anyone anyways and I don't think Brad does either. Well, it took a while, but we finally started dancing. That's saying something as neither one of us can dance. seriously. We can't.Anyway, we tried to stick close to Issya md Roberto, but we got separated by the crowd. I was a little worried as I had no clue what Brad was gonna do without knowing anyone. As it turns out, we managed. By managing I mean he kissed me. FINALLY!!!!! He asked me if I had ever kissed a boy before. I said no, which isn't a lie, as I have kissed a girl, not a boy. I'm not gonna commment on his kissing, I might do that later, I dunno. But I'll tell you what. I was sooooooooooooo happy because he did it, not me! I am so estatic right now! Hee hee...well, I guess I'd better go and do something else so that I can stop smiling (yeah, right). Issy knows how I feel. AT LEAST I DON'T SQEAK!!!!!!!!