Update

So, Senior year has been eventful. I don't even know if any of you still read thes things anymore, but I thought I'd post just in case. Not being in school has been strange, and I do miss it. Being home all the time is kinda driving me crazy. And I miss people. I don't expect everyone to understand why I left, and I'm not going to explain myself either. Those who need to know, do. It would seem like I needed it, whether I liked it or not, and maybe good things can come of it. I'll be back in school after Winter Break though. I guess we'll see what happens then.

SENIOR!!

YES!! I'm a SENIOR!!! They sent the letter, I passed Junior year! I'm so happy! I got the letter in the mail this weekend. It pretty much said that they hadn't calculated everything in yet, and when they did, I ended up with 4 C's and 3 A's. I mean, I don't like C's, but they're a hell of a lot better than failing. It sucks that I had almost the entire summer thinking that I failed. It really would have been nice to know. Would have saved me a lot of stress and punishment. But I'm not a Junior anymore. How awesome is that? I get to be in classes with my friends, and graduate with them. Let's hope this year is better than last. I'm so happy!!

Money

It's been a while since I haven't been able to afford going to the places I usually do, but that's changed. I can't afford Kroger, Target, or most any place like that anymore. When I say I, I mean mum too. I don't like it. It hasn't been like this in a long time. I spent the only money that I'll be spending for myself this summer today. I bought a new phone, from cricket, so now I have unlimited text and minutes. My new number is 650-0152, just in case you wanted it. But for the rest of the time that I have a job, at least until I'm 18, all my money is going to be going to bills. And we're still not going to have enough. I know we're going to cut out things, I'm not really sure what, but we have to make it. I'm not really sure what to do.

Dad

I want him to love me. People don't understand, yes, he's an asshole, yes, he hurt me, and yes, I do really really hate him. But at the same time, I want him to love me. I want him to be my dad, to be the guy that he's supposed to be, what a lot of other kids have. I want it so much. I want to have a normal relationship with him, not one where I feel like shit and hurt or try to kill myself everytime I talk to him. I know I can be not the best person at times, but overall I think I'm not that bad, and I don't understand what I've done wrong. I don't know what to do. I want to just forget everything that has happened so that I might have him in my life, but I don't think I can do that. I don't think I should do that. And I don't think I want him in my life. But at the same time, I do. Sometimes I need a dad. A dad that will just wrap me up in his arms and tell me that everything will be ok, that he's there, and will fix everything. At heart, I'm a daddy's girl, and I want to be. I want to be able to have that. I feel like I should be able to control it, that it was me, but I know that that's not completely true. But I know that if I gave in to him, that he'd let me. I know he's not the type of person to actually be there for me, or help, but I want him to be. I want to have that choice. I want him to try. I want it so much, but I know it'll never happen.

Failed

So this sucks, a lot. And I'm not sure how to deal with it. I can get along fine if I ignore it, but I can only do that for so long. I'm going to be with the sophomores from last year. I'm going to have to sit here and watch my friends, and everyone else, all the people that I've gone through middle and most of high school with, graduate this year and move on to college, while I still have to stay. How am I supposed to handle that? What do you do? Not that there is much I can do, but how can I just go back to school, after having failed? I don't think I can face people, knowing that. Everywhere I go, people are always commenting or asking, so what grade are you now, you're almost out of high school, how does it feel to be a senior. Well, I wouldn't know, because I'm not. I'm still a junior, and it sucks. '09, not '08, like I have thought for 3 years. I never in my life thought I would fail a grade. Yeah, sure, a class, maybe 2, but never 4, and never and entire year. And if I did, I didn't think that I wouldn't be able to fix it, that I couldn't afford it. This is really getting to me, and I don't like it, especially because I can't change it. I feel helpless.

Internet

Just in case you didn't see it on myspace, my internet may be gone as soon as later today, and it might not come back until school starts. It sucks, a lot, but we can't afford it right now. Maybe it won't, but I was just letting you all know. Yeah, that's about it.

Last Week

So this year is pretty much over, and I'm sitting here thinking about all that has happened. I'm not sure what to think. There have been some really good times, and some really bad ones too. I think it's safe to say that this year has been the hardest. I do wonder what will happen over the summer, and next year. What else will change? Who else will change? I'm more confused now than I've ever been. This spring sun and weather feels soooo nice. Don't get me wrong, I love winter, tis my favorite season, but I think the sun was much needed. It gives me the breaks that I need, the feeling that I need, to keep me from going completely crazy. I love it. I just wish I could be out in it more often than I am. I miss things. I miss people. I miss going to parks, playing sports, just being outside. Oh, and I have a job now, for those who don't know already. Yeah, I'm working at the Cabbage Patch. 5 days a week, about 8 am - 7 pm. Someone shoot me now. Please? Or save me, either works. Well, I guess that's it for now.

A lot has changed this year. I've lost a lot of friends, found out who my real ones were, gotten horrible grades, lost someone, and I myself have changed. I'm not who I used to be. I don't like who I've become. I'm sorry to anyone and everyone for anything I've done. If I've offended you, or been a bitch, or mean, or anything, I'm sorry. I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I used to go be with tons of people and enjoy it, and just have fun. Now I rarely want to be around anyone, know very few people, am mean all the time, and I don't really fit in anywhere. I want to be who I used to be, things to be the way they used to be. But I guess those days are gone.

I didn't say it back

I don't know how many times you can take being told 'fuck you' by someone you never thought would say that to you, before you say it back. This has been one shitty-ass day.

KMEA

So KMEA officially sucked. Really. The second violins screwed up so badly, and we had some intonation things. It just wasn't good, at all. That's the worst performance that I've ever been in, I was ashamed. Although I must say, the second's did get it back together before our solo was over, but still, it wasn't pretty there for a bit. Our scores were 2-, 2-, 1, and 1 in sightreading, so we got an overall 1, but barely, and I'm not sure that counts. One judge had actually circled a 3, but erased it and put 2-. That's embarrassing. And the entire orchestra, including Mr.Dougherty, was ready to kill two people in back of my section. They were talking, all throughout the performance. Yes, talking, during KMEA, during the songs that were being judges and recorded. And guess what? It showed up on the recording. Ooohhhhh, talk about pissed. Vickie cried, she really did. It was her senior year and everything. I'm not saying she was bawling, but there were tears. I just can't believe that they did that. I mean, no, he didn't specifically say, hey, no talking while we're performing for the judges, but duh, you just don't do that. And I don't know how many times a day people get told to shut up. It's just insane. The judges made comments on it, and it was probably partially the reason we got those marks. The people around them could hear them and were distracted, and it's not like I could turn around and tell them to be quiet in the middle of a song. But anyways, that's over with, and hopefully next year will be better. It should be, considering we're going to have 2 orchestras. One during 6th and one during 7th. Should be fun.