Dad

I want him to love me. People don't understand, yes, he's an asshole, yes, he hurt me, and yes, I do really really hate him. But at the same time, I want him to love me. I want him to be my dad, to be the guy that he's supposed to be, what a lot of other kids have. I want it so much. I want to have a normal relationship with him, not one where I feel like shit and hurt or try to kill myself everytime I talk to him. I know I can be not the best person at times, but overall I think I'm not that bad, and I don't understand what I've done wrong. I don't know what to do. I want to just forget everything that has happened so that I might have him in my life, but I don't think I can do that. I don't think I should do that. And I don't think I want him in my life. But at the same time, I do. Sometimes I need a dad. A dad that will just wrap me up in his arms and tell me that everything will be ok, that he's there, and will fix everything. At heart, I'm a daddy's girl, and I want to be. I want to be able to have that. I feel like I should be able to control it, that it was me, but I know that that's not completely true. But I know that if I gave in to him, that he'd let me. I know he's not the type of person to actually be there for me, or help, but I want him to be. I want to have that choice. I want him to try. I want it so much, but I know it'll never happen.