Money

It's been a while since I haven't been able to afford going to the places I usually do, but that's changed. I can't afford Kroger, Target, or most any place like that anymore. When I say I, I mean mum too. I don't like it. It hasn't been like this in a long time. I spent the only money that I'll be spending for myself this summer today. I bought a new phone, from cricket, so now I have unlimited text and minutes. My new number is 650-0152, just in case you wanted it. But for the rest of the time that I have a job, at least until I'm 18, all my money is going to be going to bills. And we're still not going to have enough. I know we're going to cut out things, I'm not really sure what, but we have to make it. I'm not really sure what to do.

Dad

I want him to love me. People don't understand, yes, he's an asshole, yes, he hurt me, and yes, I do really really hate him. But at the same time, I want him to love me. I want him to be my dad, to be the guy that he's supposed to be, what a lot of other kids have. I want it so much. I want to have a normal relationship with him, not one where I feel like shit and hurt or try to kill myself everytime I talk to him. I know I can be not the best person at times, but overall I think I'm not that bad, and I don't understand what I've done wrong. I don't know what to do. I want to just forget everything that has happened so that I might have him in my life, but I don't think I can do that. I don't think I should do that. And I don't think I want him in my life. But at the same time, I do. Sometimes I need a dad. A dad that will just wrap me up in his arms and tell me that everything will be ok, that he's there, and will fix everything. At heart, I'm a daddy's girl, and I want to be. I want to be able to have that. I feel like I should be able to control it, that it was me, but I know that that's not completely true. But I know that if I gave in to him, that he'd let me. I know he's not the type of person to actually be there for me, or help, but I want him to be. I want to have that choice. I want him to try. I want it so much, but I know it'll never happen.

Failed

So this sucks, a lot. And I'm not sure how to deal with it. I can get along fine if I ignore it, but I can only do that for so long. I'm going to be with the sophomores from last year. I'm going to have to sit here and watch my friends, and everyone else, all the people that I've gone through middle and most of high school with, graduate this year and move on to college, while I still have to stay. How am I supposed to handle that? What do you do? Not that there is much I can do, but how can I just go back to school, after having failed? I don't think I can face people, knowing that. Everywhere I go, people are always commenting or asking, so what grade are you now, you're almost out of high school, how does it feel to be a senior. Well, I wouldn't know, because I'm not. I'm still a junior, and it sucks. '09, not '08, like I have thought for 3 years. I never in my life thought I would fail a grade. Yeah, sure, a class, maybe 2, but never 4, and never and entire year. And if I did, I didn't think that I wouldn't be able to fix it, that I couldn't afford it. This is really getting to me, and I don't like it, especially because I can't change it. I feel helpless.

Internet

Just in case you didn't see it on myspace, my internet may be gone as soon as later today, and it might not come back until school starts. It sucks, a lot, but we can't afford it right now. Maybe it won't, but I was just letting you all know. Yeah, that's about it.