I wonder...

I dunno, it's late, I'm bored, and I've got nothing better to do. So I am just sitting here and thinking.I wore a pair of Eryn's pants to registration, and I loved it. I actually felt good about myself.Then when we got back to her house, we went through all her stuff, and I got a couple of new things. I out on a red shirt that was kinda like a tank top I guess. It has like almost spaghetti straps and was kinda short and kinda tight. But I felt good in it. It fit me. I've lost a little wieght, and I'm actually liking my body. It felt so nice today, to just be able to wear some clothes that I don't normally wear, and actually feel good in them. Like, I loved myself for a few hours.I didn't feel like I had to compare myself to anyone. That was an amazing feeling. I really want it back.I want to wear stuff that makes me feel like that. I get really happy, and am really, just...me. No worries, no crap, nothing. It's great.That stuff just happens to be black, gothic, different, whatever. I'm not a poser,and honestly, I don't care if people think I am. they can thnk what they want, I don't give a damn. But I really want to be able to feel good about myself, to not have to think that I'm not hot enough, or anything.I don't think Eryn realized this.Lol, I don't think anyone did. But how can I explain it to my mum? I dunno what she'll think. And I don't know how to explain it to her anyway.I just wish I could. I mean, she's against me wearing the "goth" stuff and everything, I dunno why, but I wish I could make her see. I like wearing what I feel comfortable in.That's what I've always done. I have always been made fun of because I never wear girly clothes. But I've never been comfortable in them.I've always been more comfy in bigger shirts and stuff. Plus, most of the reason why I'm so shy/modest is that I'm self-conscious. I never want to show my flaws like that. There are others that people consider "hot". I've always been skipped over in that category. I mean, you'd think it wouldn't matter, but after a while, it gets to you and sinks in.So I've always been like that. Yeah, I would sometimes wear skirts, but somebody else would always look better in it than I did, so I woud go back.I hate it. I'm tired of feeling like that. Someone else is better looking, the person I like thinks so, so I just kinda sit in the background, feelingbad. I'm pretty good at hiding, but I'm still never the one to show anything.I really wish that could change, I wish, want, to feel good enough, comfortable enough, about my body where I am willing to do stuff with people. i.e. , Maeghan.Or at least not feel bad about me not looking like them.Well, this is a long enough blog, so I'm gonna go. I just had to write down what I felt like, what I want to feel like, and why. So, thanks for reading. Bibi.