A lot has changed this year. I've lost a lot of friends, found out who my real ones were, gotten horrible grades, lost someone, and I myself have changed. I'm not who I used to be. I don't like who I've become. I'm sorry to anyone and everyone for anything I've done. If I've offended you, or been a bitch, or mean, or anything, I'm sorry. I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I used to go be with tons of people and enjoy it, and just have fun. Now I rarely want to be around anyone, know very few people, am mean all the time, and I don't really fit in anywhere. I want to be who I used to be, things to be the way they used to be. But I guess those days are gone.

I didn't say it back

I don't know how many times you can take being told 'fuck you' by someone you never thought would say that to you, before you say it back. This has been one shitty-ass day.

KMEA

So KMEA officially sucked. Really. The second violins screwed up so badly, and we had some intonation things. It just wasn't good, at all. That's the worst performance that I've ever been in, I was ashamed. Although I must say, the second's did get it back together before our solo was over, but still, it wasn't pretty there for a bit. Our scores were 2-, 2-, 1, and 1 in sightreading, so we got an overall 1, but barely, and I'm not sure that counts. One judge had actually circled a 3, but erased it and put 2-. That's embarrassing. And the entire orchestra, including Mr.Dougherty, was ready to kill two people in back of my section. They were talking, all throughout the performance. Yes, talking, during KMEA, during the songs that were being judges and recorded. And guess what? It showed up on the recording. Ooohhhhh, talk about pissed. Vickie cried, she really did. It was her senior year and everything. I'm not saying she was bawling, but there were tears. I just can't believe that they did that. I mean, no, he didn't specifically say, hey, no talking while we're performing for the judges, but duh, you just don't do that. And I don't know how many times a day people get told to shut up. It's just insane. The judges made comments on it, and it was probably partially the reason we got those marks. The people around them could hear them and were distracted, and it's not like I could turn around and tell them to be quiet in the middle of a song. But anyways, that's over with, and hopefully next year will be better. It should be, considering we're going to have 2 orchestras. One during 6th and one during 7th. Should be fun.

Spring Fever

It really felt like Spring today. It was semi-cold this morning, but then it got around 70 later. It was a really nice day. After school Maeghan, Eryn, and I went to Cherokee park and played frisbee. I've been in a really good mood the past couple of days, and I think it's the sun. I haven't really been outside much recently, and my house is always dark. I missed it. It felt nice to be active, and not in the dark, and with friends. I dunno, I was sooooo pissed this morning when mom's damn dog chewed everything in my backpack, but then it got better after school. I hope this lasts for a while, I'm really enjoying it. I needed this break, badly.

Rambling

I miss my birdie. It's way too quiet around here now, expecially in the mornings. It's not right. I kinda want to get another one, but I know that none of them will quite replace her. She was definitely something. I know I don't update, but it seems like the group that used to read this has changed and really grown apart. I kinda wish it was the way it used to be, but I know that's never going to happen. People have changed too much and too many things have happened. But I guess that's high school, is it not? I wonder what's going to happen when we all graduate. What about the reunions? I know I'm going to go to at least one. I wonder if we'll even know each other once it's over. I'm scared of college, and semi-excited, although the fear is definitely winning at the moment. But I'm hoping that when Senior year comes that'll change. Of course, I have to find a way to get into college. I'm still planning on moving out when I turn 18. I'm just hoping that it's a realistic thing. I guess I'll find out later, I still have some time before that happens. And I'm just rambling here, so I'm going to stop

Present to Future

So, I was wondering, how is everyone's life? If you still read this that is. How was Valentine's day, how's junior year (senior for a couple) going? What do you plan on doing next year? I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to do, and I was wondering about you guys.

My birthday

As most of you know, my birthday was wednesday, the day we started back to school. Woo, exciting. Anyway, I had a really good christmas and birthday this year. I got to see people that weren't my family, got tons of awesome presents, and just had a good time. Even new years was good. I'm 17 now. It feels weird to know that I'll be a legal adult in less than a year. But I don't know what I'm going to do when I turn 18. I know I don't want to live at my house anymore, and most of you all know why. But I don't have a job, or a car, or even a license. And I probably won't be able to get any of that until I'm 18 because of mum. A lot of things happened last year, a lot of things changed. I wonder what this year is going to bring.

Nakota

So today was really not a good day. I had to put my dog, Nakota, to sleep this morning. Something inside of him ruptured, either something that he ate that got stuck, or cancer that he had. Either way, he was really sick, and it was best for him. But I really miss him. He's the last of the animals that I grew up with. I remember sleeping on the living room floor in a sleeping bag the first 4 months he lived with us because he was afraid to be alone. We just had a connection. And now he's gone. But he was definitely not a dog that you easily forget, anyone who knew him will agree. I don't like saying 'knew' instead of 'knows'. But I can't change it, and it was the best thing for him, but I'll miss him. That just started off a day that really wasn't very good, at all, for many reasons. But I miss my boy.

Just things I guess

So, I don't know if anyone even reads these things anymore, I know I occassionally check them, but not often. I just felt the need to write here. A lot has happened since the last time I updated, and there's no way I can even begin to summarize it here. Or anywhere else for that matter. Junior year has been...interesting. I guess that's the best word for it. There have been many, many bad things, as well as many good. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know that it's been the hardest year so far, and as I don't see senior year as being all the difficult, I think I agree with it being the hardest year. The schoolwork definitely sucks, I hate it. I really don't like school, except for the fact that it gets me out of the house. I'm not sure that even makes it worth it anymore. There are so many things going on, in my head and otherwise, I'm just very confused. And torn. And I know I'm just rambling here, but I haven't done that in a while, and it feels kinda nice. There's a lot of things I want to say, but can't. All I can say is, I feel like I'm heading in a direction that I'm not sure I want to go, but I don't know what to do or how to change it. So yeah, fun stuff, oh, and we start school on my birthday. Isn't that great? Happy birthday...let's go to school! Lol.

Summer is Ending

School is way too close for comfort now. School starts in a week. I'm not ready. This summer seems like it has been so short, and I haven't even really done anything. Usually when I don't do much I get bored and then school isn't too bad. But this time, I dunno, something's different. I haven't figured out what it is yet. It's been a weird summer. And I don't want to go to school, because I'm a junior now, and I have a feeling this year is going to kick my ass. Big time. Although I think I have a few classes with my friends this year, so that should help, I hope. I wonder what this year will be like. I wonder what will change, if anything. But it's almost inevitable that something will. But not like we can do anything about it, so oh well. So here's to enjoying our last week of summer.